I present to you, loose digital amalgam of dear friends and acquaintances, the evidence of my last month’s work. See me here with my new haircut, and understand that it is not an aesthetic decision on my part. This is because I am loosing my hair, two rounds of chemo into dealing with what I can only currently describe as the complete and utter nonsense that is Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The bumps on my chest and neck are the indication of ingenious medical advances that conveniently accompany me everywhere, and make my weekly trials and tribulations much more comfortable than you might think.
I have composed this post internally so many times. I have been waiting for that most positive day, when I could best assure everyone that I am confident and powerful in the understanding of my prognosis, and the skill and knowledge of my medical team, which is incredible. But to be honest, even days that may, for a time, be that very best day, they are all, in another moment, the very worst day. Such is the process.
I know that this sort of news can create every last miserable fear and feeling – please do not feel obligated to respond if it pains. If it is easier to unfollow, feel so welcome to do so. I know we are all struggling, every day. It is not my desire to put any further unease into the universe, and I am not sure how to properly navigate this space socially given the circumstances, but I am sure that I can not hide, and that I must express myself, one way or another, just as I have always done.
I will prevail, messily, as ever. If it helps one single person in some way to see it, I want it to be seen.
My request of each of you, dear fellows, is to keep from fear as much as you can, on my behalf, and in all things. Whenever you feel a mote of that dread creeping in, grab it in your fist, and crush it with all the force you can muster, until it is just another bright spot in the air, weightless. These bright spots are the stuff that bind together, sometimes securely, sometimes barely, the same web-thin line that draws us all back in to that far-flung mammalian herd, when we would otherwise just be shivering separately on a cold and bitter January night.
The stakes are high, and secretly they always are, for everyone – but I have have love for my people and all things so bright and burning, at this point it is blinding to examine for more than even moments at a time, and this makes me incredibly powerful.
I love you, whether you want it or not. Be good to each other, and your good, breathing bodies – remember we are all fabulous beasts just for living.
I will continue to consume pizza and watch cartoons and observe my gorgeous children until my eyes are bleeding and consider different ways to apply eyebrows that have fallen out.